


Fire Up the Bum Dildos

by iamowedbetter



Category: The Thick Of It
Genre: Established Relationship, F/M, Post-Canon, Swearing, some sexual references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-05
Updated: 2013-12-07
Packaged: 2018-01-03 13:39:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1071106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamowedbetter/pseuds/iamowedbetter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just some short Malcola 'fics'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. As She Sleeps

**Author's Note:**

> I was very tired when I wrote this... Very shite and very short. But I may turn this into part of a series.

After tapping his long fingers on a borrowed copy of 'Pride and Prejudice' for a few minutes, Malcolm glanced over at the sleeping Nicola. She was unlikely to wake up; relieve his boredom, he realised with a heavy, Scottish sigh. The old book on his chest was, to be honest, rather tedious. Malcolm had been reading it in front of Nicola to impress her, not because he wanted to.

"I can imagine you playing Mrs Bennet, y'know. She seems to be acting fuckin' foolishly an awful lot."  
Nicola had not woken up, no. But talking to the woman whilst she was sleeping would mean they wouldn't bicker.  
Huffing, not tired in the slightest, Malcolm slid further down under the sheets. With his head level with the neck of his lover, he shrugged to no one in particular and leant closer to peck at the bare skin. Finally, after much sucking, he pulled back to inspect the love bite. 

A delightfully wicked grin formed as Malcolm realised that Nicola was sleeping very deeply. The fun he could have with this situation... But, of course, he was not a teenager. He would not draw her a moustache in permanent marker, or write 'cock' on her head. Nor would he wake her for quick, fumbling sex. He was a man. And covering her in 'bruises' would be so much more entertaining.

When Nicola Murray awoke the next day, mentally preparing for another long day with a bunch of stupid dickheads, she was shocked to see a hickey on her arm.  
Malcolm merely watched with cheeky glee as the glummy mummy used a mirror to help count the marks.


	2. No Gifts and Many Insults

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicola and Malcolm argue over their lack of anniversary gifts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just get bored, you know? I hope someone enjoys this.

 

“Have ye got me a fuckin’ gift, then?” Malcolm cocked one of his wild eyebrows and Nicola gulped, excuses running through her mind. Here she was, complaining to Malcolm about not receiving anything for their anniversary. Getting him a gift hadn’t exactly slipped her mind… She’d assumed he wouldn’t want one.

“I’ve been busy!” Her whining plea got her one of Malcolm’s cheeky, ‘I have the upper hand’ smirks.

“Oh, I see...” He was already drawling. Nicola prepared to grovel at his feet. “Because _you_ were the one who had handle the situation between twiggy Ollie and that fuckin’ blonde tart. And yes, _you_ were the one who had to pick up a certain child from school every fuckin’ day this week. And, obviously, it was _you_ who had to stay up all night in order to finish _your_ shittin’speech.”

“Malc-“

“I mean, fuck the fuckin’ poor. As long as Nicola gets her fuckin’ present, everything’s fine.” Malcolm finished, finally, with a sharp glare. One Nicola had always disliked, but had not seen in a very long time.

“Sorry.” That seemed like a good place to start. And he didn’t try to cut in, either. “I’m bad at buying you things, you know that.”

“Ye shouldn’t moan, though, Nic’la! I don’t care that I haven’t got a present, I care that you’ve got the fuckin’ audacity to ask where yours is!” It was a shame that Malcolm wasn’t the sort of man to just leave something. He had to argue his point; he couldn’t just go and get the present he _had_ bought a week before.

“Well. Maybe I should have got you something. But you didn’t even get me a card!” Nicola’s shout sounded far too smug for Malcolm’s liking. _Bloody women. Wake them up with oral sex on your anniversary and they complain about not getting some tacky shit saying ‘I love you’_.

“I’m making dinner, aren’t I?!” The Scot proved his point by lifting up the knife he had been using. Perhaps not the best idea. He swiftly put it back down onto the chopping board, and gestured to the food that was dotted around the kitchen. “A three course meal, for fuck’s sake!”

It all looked and smelled divine, so far. This only made Nicola feel worse. “I said I’m sorry, okay? I just didn’t expect nothing. You’re usually quite romantic…”

Malcolm’s nostrils flared with rage, and he threw a recipe at her in his annoyed state. “’Cheese Stuffed Roasted Red Peppers’! Do you know how fuckin’ _ridiculous_ that sounds?! I _am_ making an effort, woman!”

“I have made an effort too, you fucking prick! Look at me!” The red dress Nicola was wearing was far shorter than she was used to, though not in a way that made her look like mutton dressed as lamb, and it accentuated her curves perfectly. Malcolm, the aforementioned prick, had barely even looked. “Have you _noticed_ how my arse looks in this?! No!”

“Just fuckin’ stop, ye whinging wench!” His insult gained a harsh slap, Nicola’s ring scraping the newly-shaved skin. As arousing as her shouting was, any physical signs of anger were far from sexually pleasing.

_“Bastard!”_

_“Cock-suckin’ bitch!”_

_“Wanking little dickhead!”_

Silence reigned for a good thirty seconds, before Malcolm erupted into laughter. There was never a dull moment with his Nicola. Eventually, the brunette joined him in finding their argument amusing.

“Fuck the fuckin’ dinner. Posh crap. I say we go upstairs and I’ll tear ye out of that dress, eh?”

Her giggling quickly halted, and a breathless-sounding Nicola reached for his hand. “I thought you would never fucking ask, you know.”

Malcolm patted her pert bum as she practically dragged him up the stairs. “I _did_ notice…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Possibly 1/2.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah. Sorry.


End file.
